Bill Walton Retires


Bill Walton is apparently stepping down from basketball announcing.  This is a sad day for comedy.  Bill Walton was, hands down, one of the funniest basketball announcers ever.  I am not even exaggerating.

I think he rubbed some people the wrong way, I think a lot of people took him too serious.  If you took him serious you would think that he was insane.  It is funny with Bill, if he loved you as a player – he LOVED you, and would go to extremes with his praise.  If he hated you as a player…he would also seem to love you and go to extremes with the praise.  You had to have a certain basketball knowledge to know which was which.

Either way love or hate, Walton had great comedic timing and was never afraid to exaggerate his point (as you will see later on).

The easiest way to honor the man is to share some of his best quotes, some will have an explanation and some you will just have to “get”.

“I love the way Steve Nash licks his hands when he comes down the floor”

Walton: Even when Shaq misses a free throw, it almost goes in! You can tell how truly focused this man is.
Tolbert: But he missed the free throw.
Walton: Yes but he was inch away from making it! This man is a superior athelete!

Commentator #1:
The 76ers are nothing without Allen Iverson.
Commentator #2: Well what are the Lakers without Kobe & Shaq?
Bill Walton: The Clippers

“That might have been the worst inbound pass in the history of the clippers franchise.”

In the Knicks Eastern Conference championship year of 1999, Kurt Thomas makes an insignificant layup. Bill blurts out
“Look at that hustle! Look at that athleticism! Kurt Thomas is the greatest Knick of all-time!”

“If you can score on the drive against Todd MacCulloch, you can do anything!”

Snapper: How do you think the Lakers will do in the postseason?
Walton: well, I have to see if Shaq’s healthy before I co..
Snapper: Don’t give me that, how do you think they’ll do?
Walton: It all depends! If Shaq’s hurt it’s a totally different story! I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Samaki Walker is not as good a basketball player as Shaq.

“John Stockton is one of the great stories, not only in basketball, but in the history of mankind”

“I say they start running some plays for Samaki Walker”

“Mark Madsen is just a hustler doing what needs to be done. Like the great Laker legend before him Travis Knight”

“The Lakers are back, If you can beat the Hawks at there homecourt, you can beat anyone”

“The fans who are watching the bonus coverage of the Wizards-Celtics have missed out on some of the most exciting 1st quarter play in NBA franchise history.” -Bill Walton referring to the Sixers-Kings game-

“That was the worst execution of a fast break in the history of the trail blazer franchise”

“Where would the sonics be without elden campbell?”


In the playoffs against Sacramento: Its 4th quarter….crowd going wild two minutes left…game is about tied…and bill says “YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SUNRISE OVER SANTA MONICA THIS MORNING” or somethin like that…was just so random, the other announcer was like:  “Bill we have a playoff game here.”

Camera shows all the subs sitting on the bench: “Who ARE THESE GUYS??”

Olowokandi grabs a rare rebound, Bill replies: “Showing why he was the number 1 pick!”

Bill: Michael Olowokandi changing the face of western civilization as we know it.
Ralph: I don’t know about all that now, bill, but he is having a good game!
Going on as if he didn’t hear a word Ralph said…
Bill: “Absolutely dominant.”
Bill: “He’s unguardable out there”

“Tracy McGrady is doing things we’ve never seen from anybody…. from ANY planet!”

“Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.”

“Yao Ming is the best thing to happen to the NBA in a long time. He is just a beautiful person inside and out. The vision, the creativity, the gentleness of spirit … he has it all.” During a game that didn’t even involve the Rockets

On Larry Johnson’s lackluster performance in the NBA Finals: “What a pathetic performance by this sad human being. This is a disgrace to the game of basketball and to the NBA. He played like a disgrace tonight. And he deserved it.”

More Larry Johnson railing:
“Why would the Pacers ever double-team Larry Johnson? He wants to be double-teamed so he can pass. Why is Indiana double-teaming a man who only scores 8 points a game?”

“You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightening bolt flashed before him.”

“Jeff Van Gundy cannot believe this!” — Bill Walton, then a camera immediately catches a shot of a relaxed Van Gundy.

The Lakers were playing the Spurs a few seasons ago and Tony Parker threw a bad inbound pass that was stolen by a Laker player. Walton said something like: “That pass might have been the worst thing I have witnessed in my life! The NBA needs to randomly drug test its players more often”

“The people at PIXAR couldn’t make a better diagram of a human being exploding to the rim”

After Tirico was talking about how Ben Wallace struggles at the line, Ben hit a pair and Walton replies: “That’s in your FACE, Tirico!”

“And with the help of the Cavs AMAZING backcourt, they have cut the lead from 27….all the way down to 24.”

During a Pistons game earlier this season they showed a shot of a depressed looking Darko sitting on the bench with his hand resting under his chin holding up his head, Pistons up 20 points or so. Walton goes: “Milicic, boy what a waste ….(2 second pause)… good looking lad however”

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