At one time in the world’s history story telling was integral to the survival of our earliest records.  Before the proliferation of the written word, great story tellers and bards were responsible for documenting history with all its great accomplishments and stunning defeats.  The times, they are a-changing.

Any major event these days is usually caught on film.  The average person can afford to document their family history with inexpensive equipment.  Online blogs have become the premiere story telling vehicles.  Facebook and twitter statuses, now document everything from the completely inane, to major political events.  In all of this “new” media, have people begun to lose their knack for story telling?

There are few things worse than being stuck listening to a story from someone who can’t tell it.  It is an exercise in complete frustration. People need to get better!  Avoiding a couple of common story telling mistakes can change you from a complete bore, into the life of the party.

To me, the three story telling sins are as follows:

1. Telling them too slowly: This is horrible. The worst part is once you are invested in listening to these people you know it is going to be a long story because they are telling it so slowly.  Their voice is monotone and they drag out each thought until you are ready to choke them. If you are telling a story – get to the point as quickly as possible while retaining all pertinent info.  At least pretend like your story is important and animate your speech a bit.  A little enthusiasm won’t kill you.

2. Tangents: This is the worst.  This will kill a story with a quickness.  If you are telling a story about some intense showdown you had with a mugger…stick to that.  A tangent about how you went out for ice cream, and they totally don’t have that one ice cream you love, which is weird because it is like ALWAYS there! Did I mention the cashier looked just like Webster?  It was uncanny, I was totally waiting for Mr. Kostoplous…Oh my god! What’s his name again?  What?  Yeah that’s it!  OMG I can’t believe I forgot that…OK where was I? At this point I don’t know anymore and I certainly don’t care.  I am silently praying to all that is holy, you forget yourself and this farce comes to an end now. I might even jump in with my own Webster story because the thought of hearing your inane babble any longer makes me sick to my stomach.  In conclusion…tangents are bad!

3. The Bad Story Warning: If anyone ever starts their story out with these words: “OK I suck at telling stories…” then RUN.  The fact is, if someone is saying that it is because their stories are bad.  People have let them know by either telling them or walking out of a room.  At one time in my life, I genuinely thought that I would punch someone square in the nose as soon as they said that.  I think any legal ramifications I incurred would have been off set by the time saved not listening to them prattle on.  I never acted on it but I thought about it.  Don’t set your self up for failure.  Be confident!

I am not claiming to be a great story teller.  I am not claiming that at all.   I am however, a fan of a great story.  I can say with 100% confidence that no story I have ever heard that was told too slowly, went off in tangents or was prefaced ay a bad story warning has been great.  They haven’t even been good.  In fact any story that matches all three of those criteria have been some of the worst moments in my history of social interaction.  If you suck at telling stories, and if you do you know it, your first step should be to eliminate the above “sins”.  Try it for your next story and let me know how it works out for you.  Just get to the point when you do!

Is this for real?  What do you guys think?  I instantly thought it was just some viral campaign…but the google checkout seems legit.  Now it could be a huge scam..but I am not sure.

How can it be legal to give someone crabs on purpose!  Horrible revenge – that is why I think it must be fake.  Then again it isn’t the only site offering that particular crab revenge – http://www.revengecrabs.com/

I don’t know if I want to live in a world where people can order and then distribute CRABS.

When you really think about it though – is there a silver lining to getting rid of Bosh?  Can letting your best player walk away be a good move?  There might be if you think about the good ol’:

Sign and Trade

Now, no team is going to give you a ton of value in this situation.  People know Bosh is leaving, and a sign and trade is just to ensure Bosh can get his desired contract.  There could be some value though, since this is the only way a team with no cap room could sign a guy like Bosh.  A first rounder isn’t out of the realm of possibilities, even a young player or two. There is some hidden value though.:

What if you could hook the horrible contract of Turkoglu to the deal?

Is that maybe even better for the Raptors than Bosh staying? Would any team even think about it?

I will answer the latter first.  I am not sure if a team would but I heard rumours today that Houston is very interested in Bosh and taking on Hedo is a subject that has been brought up.  It sounds a bit crazy, but not so crazy people aren’t discussing it.

Is that better than Bosh staying?  Maybe it is.  Here is the issue:  If Bosh signs with Toronto it will almost surely be a max deal.  That means…

Bosh @ MAX
Hedo @ 10
Bargs @ 8
Calderon @ 9
Jack and Banks @ 5/each

That doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room.  The biggest problem is up top.  I am not sold on Bosh being a max guy.  I know it may sound crazy but to me Carmelo, LeBron, and Wade are on another level than Bosh.  That is just my opinion though.

What isn’t arguable is that Calderon, Bargnani and Hedo are all getting starting money – and all three of them can not start at once.  Unless there are some serious improvements in defence…you are not going to be a threat with these three guys all starting.  Last season was a great illustration of that. Maybe LeBron James could win with those three guys but I don’t think Bosh can.

If Toronto could somehow land a all star SG, then maybe things are different.  That in itself is another problem – The Raptors with a maxxed out Bosh wouldn’t have a lot of cap space.  How do they get better?  Will there be enough progression within the team?  Can you get lucky in the draft?  Can you make a trade?  Are Bargnani or Hedo tradable with those back end loaded deals?

I think if you can get a team to take Hedo off your hands in a sign and trade for Bosh – you do it.  Losing Bosh hurts, but at least if he takes Hedo with him you have a lot more flexibility when you rebuild – and I think this is a team that has to.

I will admit that my plan gives up on any hope of immediate success in Toronto.  If you believe that keeping Bosh could lead to a deep playoff run in a year or two – then you will hate my plan.  I don’t believe the Raptors are that close.

I watched the New Orleans Saints win the SuperBowl this year after suffering through a lot of bad seasons.  One thing about bad seasons is that you get rewarded.  A couple high draft picks made some significant plays for the Saints (notably Will Smith, Tracy Porter and Reggie Bush).

Basketball is different than football – no doubt.  But in basketball sometimes it just takes ONE guy.  Look at the Thunder – I love Westbrook, Green, Harden and Ibaka…but what a difference that one high draft pick – Kevin Durant – makes on that team.

Not to mention – Harden, Westbrook and Green were all 1st round picks themselves…and from not that long ago.

If Bosh can take Hedo with him, maybe it is time to part ways.  It is gonna suck for awhile…but it sucked for the Thunder/Sonics for awhile too.  There are not many guarantees in the draft, but you pick high enough long enough and maybe you get the next Durant.  I could live with that.

Any guy that has ever been asked “How does this look on me?” knows for a fact that a white lie has it’s uses.

How often do you do it though?  Is there any a danger in being a “habitual” white liar?

I thought about this while watching the American Idol auditions, as you can see I really act on my impulses.  I thought about this post topic in January, and it is nearly May and I am addressing it.  Ted Payne – the epitome of “Go Getter”

You have all of these people show up for auditions, give it there all and then they suck.  I don’t mean they were good but not great, I mean a lot of them flat out sucked.  Their singing makes little children cry and dogs run away.  THAT bad.  You know when you have drank like 7 pitchers of beer at the karoke bar…they sound like you do then, except they are sober.  It all ends up being very embarassing.

It makes me wonder how those people got to that point…WHITE LIES!  There family wanted to spare their feelings and they lied to them.  I am all about people pursuing their dreams – but if I ever tell my friends and family that I want to pursue a future in track and field – I hope they are honest with me.  They can be brutally honest in fact.

Here is another example.  I have a friend..lets call her Plinda.  Now Plinda is a very charming young lady.  She is very considerate and is pretty in tune when it comes to not hurting people’s feelings.  One issue though – she suggests LYING to spare these feelings.  My Mom had cooked Easter dinner and one of the dishes she had undercooked…she even mentioned it like “Oh I undercooked this, the texture is a little different”.  I agreed, I was like yeah it is a bit tough, could have went in a bit longer.

Plinda kind of gave me a sideways glance like “How could you say that?”

Another time my brother and I had attempted to “smoke” some food.  We ended up with dry ribs that were so smoky they made me feel kind of sick to eat them.  I mentioned this to my brother and again “Plinda” was surprised I could ever say that.

Here is my defense – yes I may have told people their cooking was off but it was for a reason.  If I pretended that whatever my Mom cooked tasted great and wasn’t undercooked..she would think I loved it that way and continue to undercook it.  If I pretended the smoked food my brother made was good, he would never learn to properly smoke food.

Even worse, now when “Plinda” tells me she likes something, deep down I am thinking…does she?  Or is this a white lie?

I think White Lies in general are OK, especially if it is going to avoid embarrassment, a fight or it generally spares someones feelings.

HOWEVER, the problem comes up when those lies actually help force someone to continue an annoying, improper or incorrect behaviour.  Trust me, as awkward as it may be to bring something like that to someones attention, in the long run they will appreciate it.

I know for me personally, if I  had my hair spiked up, a too tight Ed Hardy t-shirt and some Tap Out shorts on about to hit the bar…I would want one of my friends to pull me aside and say “You look like a Douche man”.  That is the true meaning of friendship!

Here is an image for your viewing pleasure:

If you are wondering – yeah that is real!

This brings up a couple questions to me.

1. Was that Cobra dropped in the bottle when smaller and then grown in the bottle to get to that size?  Is that extra cruel? Is there Cobra defecation inside there as well?

2. Can venom seep into the alcohol?

3. Was this brewed in some Laotian’s bathtub?  The color doesn’t look exactly…pure.

4. How drunk will I have to get my friends before one agrees to eat the Cobra?  Will they die?

IMO I find this disgusting and would never ever drink it (I say that sober though).  I dunno – the Cobra is bad enough, but the bottle and color of the whiskey is what really puts me off.  I may be wrong but I don’t know if whoever made this has the same stringent cleanliness requirements as say Jack Daniels.

What do you guys think? Would you drink it?

Well at least it can’t get any worse right…

Oh it does!  Here is a picture of Arenas pre game last night:

Honestly – I laughed.  I don’t think gun crimes are a laughing matter, but his whole face is hilarious to me and just the fact he decided to pull this is fascinating in a way.

Stern is going to hammer him for this – expect a big time fine and suspension.

• You say “no offense but”…then go on to offend me.
• You heat your house to like 30 degrees Celsius or if you let your house drop to 10 degrees.  Ever hear of “room temperature”?
• You haven’t seen me in years and this is how our convo goes:

Hey how’s it going?  Whats new?
Oh You know, just working
Ahhh right on
*awkward silence*

• You point out I am just mouthing happy birthday.  Why do you care? It isn’t your birthday.
• You call me ANY variation of “big guy” (Brad Gosse knows whats up)
• You ONLY listen to top 40 radio
• You put raisins in your stuffing.  WTF.
• You hate dogs
• You are a fanboy of a particular video game system.  Or as my friend Linder calls it “game station”
• You call me and expect me to carry the phone conversation.  Seriously  if there is 5+ seconds of dead air on the phone, I should be able to hang up
• You still say “rap is crap”

I think that is enough reasons to hate now…it is the holiday season after all.

The Man The Myth The Legend

The internet is great for many things.  Knowledge at the click of a key, business opportunities (i.e. Earn Quick Cash) and all the free music and porn that thieving degenerates can get their hands on!  Another thing the internet allows is for people to loudly, obnoxiously and fervently support their favorite sports teams!  Considering I have engaged in far more internet brouhahas about sports than any adult man should ever, I have come across some interesting sports fan personalities.  If you choose to engage internet minions in verbal sports sparring, be prepared to run into:

1.  The Bandwagoner

The Bandwagoner is always ready to leap at any chance.  If his favorite team for this week struggles and a sure favorite to win it all merges, he can use his cat like reflexes to jump ship and quickly claw into the new team d’jour.   When polled on who their favorite teams are they usually respond with 3-4 from this list:  Yankees, Patriots, Lakers, Cowboys, Tarheels, Blue Devils, etc…  You can insert any team that has a long winning history or is on the verge of winning a championship.  They will loudly show up in discussions supporting” their teams” seemingly out of the blue.  If challenged on their fandom, they will quickly break down the story of how they became a Yankee fan while in Boston:  “Well when I was 4 years old, my Dad once casually mentioned how his boss had once seen a Yankee pennant on a doorway, ever since that day I was a die hard Yankee fan”

Also Known As: Dickhead, Mrs…, A 12 year old

2.Tommy-2-Teams

These fans are sometimes known as bandwagon fans because they can easily switch their allegiance to whichever team is doing better. These are the guys who say such bull as “Oh I got an NFC AND AFC team”.  These fans ignore the obvious problem of the fact their teams will eventually and inevitably play each other.  They are then forced to choose one team – a scary sobering thought.  Luckily though, 99% of the time they will go with the team with the better chance to win.  Much like the bandwagoner they will have a crazy story of how they came to cheer for 2 teams.  No one cares though.  Watch how quick these guys can change their avatars.  Of special note are the guys who cheer for two rivals or divisional opponents.  It is the feeling of this author that these fans should be eradicated.

Also Known As: Douchebags, Elementary School Students

3. Woe is Me

These guys masquerade as SUPER fans of their teams.  They want you to believe they are such huge fans that they can see the deficiencies in their team long before anyone else can.  In fact they can see deficiencies that don’t even exist yet.  Powerful stuff.  No win is good enough, no off season move is good.  A close win should have been a blowout.  A blowout win will make the team lazy.  A loss is a clear sign that the team should rebuild.  The most glaring example of this are Yankee fans.  They can be 15 games ahead of their nearest competitor, A-Rod can be putting up MVP type numbers and CC Sabathia could be pitching shutouts every 3 days, and they would find some stat to complain about.  “OMG A-Rod only has one homerun when the Yankess play an afternoon game and the temperature is between 56 and 63 degrees, if he doesn’t pick this up, the Yanks have no shot!” They will bash their “favorite” teams without mercy and call for anyone’s head who doesn’t perform perfectly each game.  The worst is when their team actually wins the championship.  Then they act like they were behind “their boys” all along and that this win was a personal triumph.

Also Known As: Yankee Fans, Randy Quaid

4. Stat Nerd

The internet is a bastion for nerds in general.  Stat nerds are no different.  To them stats prove everything.  There is no human element to sports, it is all numbers.  They can figure out players worth, teams chances of victory and end any argument with their impressive knowledge of numbers.  They don’t even have to watch the actual sports – why bother?  The box score tells them every important detail they need to know.  While all sports have their share of stat nerds, does anyone else do it like baseball fans?  They have stats for everything.  They can tell you the percentage of foul tips that would have been fair balls in 33% percent of major league stadiums and will adjust batting averages by some algorithm that Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting couldn’t figure out.

Also Known As: NERRRRRRRRRRD, University of Waterloo Student

5. Full Time Beer Goggles

This guy is the ultimate homer.  He loves all of his teams and would never dream of cheering for any other team.  He is pretty much the opposite of the Woe Is Me fan.  His team can do NO wrong.  If they are in last place, then he talks about how unstoppable they will be with the 1st overall draft pick.  Speaking of which, no player drafted is a bust until he has played poorly for at least 5 years.  All players are also valuable trade prospects.  Getting LeBron James for Darko Milicic isn’t a ridiculous prospect to a fan like this, it is inevitable.  Any team that manages to somehow beat them was obviously cheating.  Every call the refs make is horrible unless it is in their favor.  This fan’s teams have never made a bad trade, draft pick or decision.  The worst case scenario is that this fan’s team wins it all…you will never hear the end of it.

Also Known As: Red Sox fan, Moron

6. It Was all Good Just A Week Ago

The fan that refuses to live in the present. Who cares if their team is currently a laughing stock, they won the whole thing in 1932!  These guys refuse to realize their teams currently suck.  A decade of ineptitude…who cares?  Past championships trump ALL!  “Oh the Penguins won the Stanley Cup?  WHO CARES?! The Leafs won 4 in a row in the 50′s!”.  Even though most sports fans discount championships more than a decade old, these guys will cling and grasp to the wins of yesteryear like it is the last Bud Light in the fridge.   They will also remember each victory like it was yesterday.  “So there I was suckling my Mom’s breast and the Cubs won the World Series!  I’ll never forget how I felt that day.”  These fans can be identified quickly because all of their sports memorabilia will be in black and white.

Also Known As: Habs fans, Every Parent Ever

7. The Girlfriend who Tries Too Hard

There are a lot of great knowledgeable female sports fans out there.  Many of them know more than their male counterparts.  However, there is a subsection of women who just try  bit too hard to seem “down”.  Game days will find them decked out in their teams colors, ready to cheer on their team.  The problem is they don’t know quite as much as they pretend too.  They love to call players by nicknames to show their knowledge.  They will also remember the odd stat, to sprinkle into conversations.  It can be quite an impressive performance, except they try a bit too hard to prove themselves.  They yell at plays they shouldn’t, they cheer a SPLIT second after everyone else does and in general they talk too much.  We get it, you love the Patriots and knew that they went 16-0 in the regular season.  We get it.  Just sit back and watch the game.  Oh and don’t jump up yelling, that was clearly offside.

Also Known As: Almost every girlfriend you will ever have

8.  Fantasy Guy

Fantasy sports is a huge lucrative market.  Every year millions of people fake draft their fake teams so they can have fake showdowns each week, which will ultimately lead to a fake champion!  Fantasy Sports are Role Play Games for jocks basically.  It can also turn normal everyday fans into unrecognizable monsters.  Their team allegiances can dissolve instantly.  Long time Cowboys fans will suddenly be cheering for Adrian Peterson to rip apart their defensive line.  Saints fans will be cheering for Drew Brees to throw a pick.  Fantasy sports has completely flipped the idea of fandom upside down.  They are also one of the worst people to watch a game with.  Alright dude, we get it, you picked up Miles Austin on waivers a week before he blew up – you are a genius.  Oh shit you are in third place and need Chris Johnson to rush for 125 yards to get into 2nd?  Whoa!  Interesting!  Guess what? NO ONE cares about your fantasy team except you and your opponent, so shut up already.

Also Known As: Fat Former Jocks, Stat Nerd(see above)

That is just a quick snapshot of the internet sports fan world.  Many other type of personalities exist but that is a post for another day.  I will give an honorable mention to those fans who seem like their personal well being depends on the play of their favorite team, and the girls out there who cheer for the cutest team and Google player numbers for pictures in the middle of the game.

The world needs all sorts.

The Man The Myth The Legend

Due to my internet marketing background – I have a pretty well rounded knowledge of internet forums and blogs.  From my experiences I have noticed a new trend with the close minded bigots of the internet.

First off, bigots and racists LOVE the internet.  Although a majority of them haven’t embraced such technological advances like the toothbrush, they have fully embraced the internet.  And why not?  Where else can you hide behind a computer screen, wrapped up in the soothing embrace of anonymity?  The internet has been a wonderful tool for most, for some it is just a sounding ground for their ignorant beliefs.

Oh well, the good with the bad I guess.

At one time a bigot was just a good ol’ fashioned bigot.  He hated other people for stupid reasons and he let it be known.  Obviously this creates backlash.  So does the bigot notice this backlash and then look deep inside himself for answers?  No – too difficult.  Instead the bigot pretends just to be an everyday normal person…and is completely offended if you dare call them a racist.

It is the old bait and switch.  These new net bigots will exhibit all the old traits that his fellow bigots of past glorified.  But they will do it while loudly proclaiming they are no bigot!

Go into a random internet forum and look at some of the threads.  You will have a poster talk about how he doesn’t think Obama was born here, gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married, black people are genetically disposed to crime, any group that helps African Americans is racist, affirmative action is racist, white people need to unite and fight back blah blah blah.

Then someone dares call this guy a bigot or racist – and he LOSES it.

“OMG I think it is sad that in this day and age people who share their thoughts are labeled racists…I am not racist, my cousin’s neighbour has a black friend!”

Then the thread devolves into a free speech argument.

Yes free speech exists and yes so do bigots.  And guess what – if you hold on to a bunch of bigoted stances and morals then you are a BIGOT.  Feigning anger towards that label, doesn’t change this Bubba.

I was sitting around a couple months ago and was playing the UFC video game at a party.  The person I was fighting, I didn’t know too well.  He was using a black character.  At one point he was losing and he said “ Oh come on you stupid….nigger.”  But he said the n-word very tentatively and almost whispered it.  You could tell he was testing it’s use in the room.

YOU COWARD!

If you are racist at least be man enough to back up your beliefs.  Don’t be afraid to be who you are.  If you are man enough to utter a racial epitaph in front of strangers – then be man enough to accept the consequences.

Everyone ignored him and he didn’t mention it again, but I bet he was just chomping at the teeth for someone to laugh or back him up.  The slur made me think dude was a douche…but the cowardly meek way he uttered it made me think even worse of him.

Saying it like he did, just proved he was not only a racist but a coward.

The fact is – racists are scared to show their true colors because they know that most normal people will look at them like they are fossils.  Better yet, people might call them out on their beliefs.  They KNOW they have no real footing to stand on and they can’t back up their beliefs.  They are relegated to sneaking around and grasping any chance at anonymity that they can find.

That is why the internet is full of them.

The Man The Myth The Legend

I personally think ANYTHING can be joked about, but I am now letting you all know that a certain joke is dead and gone.  It isn’t due to bad taste or anything like that…it is just because the joke has ran its course been said a million times and is not funny anymore.

Offering a vegetarian meat is DEAD!

It isn’t funny anymore…was it ever?  I am DEFINITELY not a vegetarian…but I do know a couple vegetarians and vegans and this joke destroys me.

“OMG vegetarians don’t eat meat, so let’s offer them a ham sandwich!  It will be hilarious because it is meat and they don’t eat that!!!!”

It isn’t hilarious – the chuckle from the people around you is nothing but a polite gesture.

I honestly cringe when people do this now – it is so painfully unfunny to me.  I used to do it myself, I also used to laugh when people did it.  That was the first 9 million times though – now it is soooo played out.

This isn’t some plea on behalf of the vegetarians out there – I am not supporting their cause.  I just don’t care what they eat…I DO care about funny though.  When jokes are overdone they should be put to rest like a race horse with a broken leg.

I know that people who make these jokes will say: ”People still laugh when I say it”. If you get anything more than a polite chuckle – it only means that the person laughing is as lame as you.  The laughter doesn’t lift you up, it just puts you and the laugher on the same low low level of funny.

On the scale of funny, offering meat to a vegetarian ranks somewhere slightly above According to Jim, and slightly below Dane Cook.  That is a BAD look.

You know when you have a powdered drink to mix up and you stir the hell out of it, but at the end there is still that clump of crap that is too sickeningly sweet to even think about drinking? That is what the vegetarian meat joke is…the dregs of comedy.

Let’s retire that joke! Be creative!  Don’t offer a vegetarian meat…offer them hilarious things like…a birch bark canoe…or a cedar rail.  Meat is played out.

What YOU eat don’t make ME shit
-Jay-Z-

The Man The Myth The Legend

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