Fedor vs. Lesnar

Fedor vs. Lesnar

This is a fight we likely will never see.  Fedor’s management insists on co-promoting any event Fedor is in, and UFC president Dana White rightfully thinks that is insane.  UFC offered Fedor a VERY lucrative contract, but the co-promotion hang up was too much for him to accept. He signed on with Strikeforce recently.

Fedor fighting Rogers and Overeem is alright I guess.  Let’s be honest though, there is only one man on this planet we want to see Fedor really fight.  Who we almost NEED to see him fight.  That man is the phenom known as Brock Lesnar.

Although that fight seems very unlikely, we have the next best thing.  Using a combination of super computers, satellite data, mathematical algorithms  quantum physics, scientology and alcohol fueled arguments, I have came up with a scientifically proven, undeniable result for this fight.  My analysis is as follows:

Striking

Lesnar: Although not a skilled striker Lesnar has been able to smash some of his opponents.  He knocked out Hall of Famer Randy Couture 2 fights ago.  Lesnar makes up for his lack of skill by having lunchboxes for hands.  Remember when kids still had lunchboxes, back in the playground days.  If a fight broke out, the kid who was going crazy swinging his Smurfs lunchbox around was almost always the winner.  Now imagine that kid is 265 lbs of pure muscle. It doesn’t matter what his technique is, you take a lunchbox off the dome and you are going to sleep.

Fedor: Fedor has a unique striking style I like to refer to as “Watch the F Out”.  He does not a throw a punch that is designed to do any less than knock his opponents head into the 5th row.  He might not be tossing lunchboxes around, but he definitely swings faster and more often than Lesnar.  I would compare his striking to the special 1000 Hand Slap of E. Honda.  Unlike Lesnar, Fedor also throws the odd kick.  Oh yeah, he is also Russian – you ever see Rocky 4?  Nuff said.

Advantage: Fedor

Wrestling

Lesnar: Lesnar is a purebred wrestler.  he spent his youth twisting other guys into pretzels while he was an amateur wrestler.  He also went on to capture a NCAA Division One wrestling crown.  He probably would have went on to Olympic medals, if another wrestling hadn’t piqued his interest. Yes, the WWE, world of fake fighting and tight tights.  Lesnar pretended to fight for years!

Fedor: Fedor certainly doesn’t have the wrestling pedigree of Lesnar, there is no NCCA crown in his closet, and he didn’t spend too much time pretend fighting. The only true wrestling knowledge he has is from his yearly bear hunt.  Every year Fedor is released into remote Siberia with only a loin cloth.  He is lefto n his own to track and bear and engage it in combat.  Fedor then wrestles the bear to the ground and makes the bear give up.  he doesn’t kill teh bear, because Fedor has a good heart.  His record currently stands at Fedor: 27, Bears: Nuthin’

Advantage: Lesnar

Submissions

Lesnar: This is not Lesnar’s strong point at all.  His one loss was due to a submission he received while in a dominant position.  Learning the submission game takes years and Lesnar doesn’t have that time.  He is lucky he can overpower his opponents.  I think he will spend most of his time learning how to defend submissions right now so he can smash people when they try.  Hopefully he learns a couple simple ones so we aren’t treated to watching him ride  his opponent like a horse when he can’t figure out how to finish the fight.

Fedor: Fedor has strong submission skills.  he has submitted a lot of fighters and even once submitted a guy MINUTES AFTER that guy had just suplexed Fedor on to his head.  According to Wikipedia – Fedor has no less than 7 trophy limbs he ripped off opponents in a nice IKEA curio cabinet in his living room.  Rumour also has it, he still can’t find that damn allen key, so the curio door hangs a bit crooked.

Advantage: Fedor

The Mental Game

Lesnar: Lesnar’s usual thought process probably goes something like “LESNAR ANGRY, LESNAR SMASH”.  Even fake chair shots in the WWE, must lead to some sort of mild brain damage.  I don’t think Lesnar is the kind of guy who would have a law degree if it wasn’t for the UFC. I picture him in the Matt Hughes level of intelligence…where every thought is followd by a silent HYY-UCK in their minds.  That said his mental game could actually be a ruse.  He may pretend to be the dumb hick from Minnesota, but his ability to succeed at a high level in new pursuits (and to do it QUICKLY) show there is more to the beast, than brawn.  Lesnar will have a smart gameplan.

Fedor: This guy will never ever ever get psyched out.  He has one mission – to destroy his opponent.  You won’t make him mad, you won’t scare him and you can’t do anything to get him off his game.  I can’t think of any other fighter who is in complete control of their emotions like Fedor.  Lesnar is known to piss off his opponents and get them angry.  He can’t rely on it this time.  Fedor’s emotions are chiseled out of brick.  Little known Fedor facts – he can beat a Rubix Cube in under a minute, is undefeated at Madlibs and was once a childhood contestant on Reach for The Top: Russia.  His mental game is obviously sharp.

Advantage: Fedor

Physical Attributes

Lesnar: This guy is a beast.  He is bigger than most people, quicker than most people and his head is made out of some sort of carbon composite that Wolverine’s claws couldn’t shred.  He is too big to be as fast as he is, it almost doesn’t make sense.  I don’t know if MMA has ever seen a more impressive physical specimen.

Fedor: Fedor’s physique can best be described as…frumpy.  He doesn’t look that impressive to be honest, kind of looks like your Uncle who drinks too much.  He is obviously strong and quick, but he doesn’t seem like he matches up at all with Lesnar’s physical attributes.  He probably unbuttons his pants after meals.

Advantage: Lesnar

Intangibles

Lesnar: You know what you get when you fight Lesnar – an ever improving physical specimen that will probably overpower you.  I am not sure there is much intangible about the guy.  he is 265lbs of quick moving muscle – that is pretty tangible all in all.  If there is anything at all that you could put in this category it is the guy’s drive and determination.  He puts his mind on a goal and he gets it.  NCAA championship, WWE Championship, UFC Championship – all of these he captured in meteoric rises.  I am sure he would bring this mentality to try and dethrone the World’s Baddest Man – Fedor.

Fedor: Alright, cat is out of the bag here.  I probably shouldn’t say anything – but Fedor is the result of a Russian experiment.  They tried to create the Ultimate Soldier, a one man Army.  They came mighty close.  One scientist who was born barren, had a soft spot for their experiment, she made sure that Fedor (or Оружие x as he was known then) was granted a soul and conscience.  When Fedor was finally ready to be unleashed on unsuspecting Armies, his morality overcame the orders and he escaped to go live a peaceful life.  Wanting to help impoverished villagers that he had met along the way Fedor entered Martial Arts competitions that had a code of honor that allowed him to use his abilities.  The rest is history.

Advantage: Fedor

Results

Fedor wins this battle in the 2nd round.  He submits Lesnar, and in the process rips off the lower half of Lesnar’s leg and adds it to his Curio cabinet.  Lesnar lives out the rest of his life, giving speeches at schools on the dangers of messing with Russian genetic experiments. Fedor retires to a peaceful life in a remote Siberian hut where he still wrestles Bears well in to his old age. This is scientifically proven by the way.

The Man The Myth The Legend



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