Internet Sports Fans

sports_fans

The internet is great for many things.  Knowledge at the click of a key, business opportunities (i.e. Earn Quick Cash) and all the free music and porn that thieving degenerates can get their hands on!  Another thing the internet allows is for people to loudly, obnoxiously and fervently support their favorite sports teams!  Considering I have engaged in far more internet brouhahas about sports than any adult man should ever, I have come across some interesting sports fan personalities.  If you choose to engage internet minions in verbal sports sparring, be prepared to run into:

1.  The Bandwagoner

The Bandwagoner is always ready to leap at any chance.  If his favorite team for this week struggles and a sure favorite to win it all merges, he can use his cat like reflexes to jump ship and quickly claw into the new team d’jour.   When polled on who their favorite teams are they usually respond with 3-4 from this list:  Yankees, Patriots, Lakers, Cowboys, Tarheels, Blue Devils, etc…  You can insert any team that has a long winning history or is on the verge of winning a championship.  They will loudly show up in discussions supporting” their teams” seemingly out of the blue.  If challenged on their fandom, they will quickly break down the story of how they became a Yankee fan while in Boston:  “Well when I was 4 years old, my Dad once casually mentioned how his boss had once seen a Yankee pennant on a doorway, ever since that day I was a die hard Yankee fan”

Also Known As: Dickhead, Mrs…, A 12 year old

2.Tommy-2-Teams

These fans are sometimes known as bandwagon fans because they can easily switch their allegiance to whichever team is doing better. These are the guys who say such bull as “Oh I got an NFC AND AFC team”.  These fans ignore the obvious problem of the fact their teams will eventually and inevitably play each other.  They are then forced to choose one team – a scary sobering thought.  Luckily though, 99% of the time they will go with the team with the better chance to win.  Much like the bandwagoner they will have a crazy story of how they came to cheer for 2 teams.  No one cares though.  Watch how quick these guys can change their avatars.  Of special note are the guys who cheer for two rivals or divisional opponents.  It is the feeling of this author that these fans should be eradicated.

Also Known As: Douchebags, Elementary School Students

3. Woe is Me

These guys masquerade as SUPER fans of their teams.  They want you to believe they are such huge fans that they can see the deficiencies in their team long before anyone else can.  In fact they can see deficiencies that don’t even exist yet.  Powerful stuff.  No win is good enough, no off season move is good.  A close win should have been a blowout.  A blowout win will make the team lazy.  A loss is a clear sign that the team should rebuild.  The most glaring example of this are Yankee fans.  They can be 15 games ahead of their nearest competitor, A-Rod can be putting up MVP type numbers and CC Sabathia could be pitching shutouts every 3 days, and they would find some stat to complain about.  “OMG A-Rod only has one homerun when the Yankess play an afternoon game and the temperature is between 56 and 63 degrees, if he doesn’t pick this up, the Yanks have no shot!” They will bash their “favorite” teams without mercy and call for anyone’s head who doesn’t perform perfectly each game.  The worst is when their team actually wins the championship.  Then they act like they were behind “their boys” all along and that this win was a personal triumph.

Also Known As: Yankee Fans, Randy Quaid

4. Stat Nerd

The internet is a bastion for nerds in general.  Stat nerds are no different.  To them stats prove everything.  There is no human element to sports, it is all numbers.  They can figure out players worth, teams chances of victory and end any argument with their impressive knowledge of numbers.  They don’t even have to watch the actual sports – why bother?  The box score tells them every important detail they need to know.  While all sports have their share of stat nerds, does anyone else do it like baseball fans?  They have stats for everything.  They can tell you the percentage of foul tips that would have been fair balls in 33% percent of major league stadiums and will adjust batting averages by some algorithm that Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting couldn’t figure out.

Also Known As: NERRRRRRRRRRD, University of Waterloo Student

5. Full Time Beer Goggles

This guy is the ultimate homer.  He loves all of his teams and would never dream of cheering for any other team.  He is pretty much the opposite of the Woe Is Me fan.  His team can do NO wrong.  If they are in last place, then he talks about how unstoppable they will be with the 1st overall draft pick.  Speaking of which, no player drafted is a bust until he has played poorly for at least 5 years.  All players are also valuable trade prospects.  Getting LeBron James for Darko Milicic isn’t a ridiculous prospect to a fan like this, it is inevitable.  Any team that manages to somehow beat them was obviously cheating.  Every call the refs make is horrible unless it is in their favor.  This fan’s teams have never made a bad trade, draft pick or decision.  The worst case scenario is that this fan’s team wins it all…you will never hear the end of it.

Also Known As: Red Sox fan, Moron

6. It Was all Good Just A Week Ago

The fan that refuses to live in the present. Who cares if their team is currently a laughing stock, they won the whole thing in 1932!  These guys refuse to realize their teams currently suck.  A decade of ineptitude…who cares?  Past championships trump ALL!  “Oh the Penguins won the Stanley Cup?  WHO CARES?! The Leafs won 4 in a row in the 50’s!”.  Even though most sports fans discount championships more than a decade old, these guys will cling and grasp to the wins of yesteryear like it is the last Bud Light in the fridge.   They will also remember each victory like it was yesterday.  “So there I was suckling my Mom’s breast and the Cubs won the World Series!  I’ll never forget how I felt that day.”  These fans can be identified quickly because all of their sports memorabilia will be in black and white.

Also Known As: Habs fans, Every Parent Ever

7. The Girlfriend who Tries Too Hard

There are a lot of great knowledgeable female sports fans out there.  Many of them know more than their male counterparts.  However, there is a subsection of women who just try  bit too hard to seem “down”.  Game days will find them decked out in their teams colors, ready to cheer on their team.  The problem is they don’t know quite as much as they pretend too.  They love to call players by nicknames to show their knowledge.  They will also remember the odd stat, to sprinkle into conversations.  It can be quite an impressive performance, except they try a bit too hard to prove themselves.  They yell at plays they shouldn’t, they cheer a SPLIT second after everyone else does and in general they talk too much.  We get it, you love the Patriots and knew that they went 16-0 in the regular season.  We get it.  Just sit back and watch the game.  Oh and don’t jump up yelling, that was clearly offside.

Also Known As: Almost every girlfriend you will ever have

8.  Fantasy Guy

Fantasy sports is a huge lucrative market.  Every year millions of people fake draft their fake teams so they can have fake showdowns each week, which will ultimately lead to a fake champion!  Fantasy Sports are Role Play Games for jocks basically.  It can also turn normal everyday fans into unrecognizable monsters.  Their team allegiances can dissolve instantly.  Long time Cowboys fans will suddenly be cheering for Adrian Peterson to rip apart their defensive line.  Saints fans will be cheering for Drew Brees to throw a pick.  Fantasy sports has completely flipped the idea of fandom upside down.  They are also one of the worst people to watch a game with.  Alright dude, we get it, you picked up Miles Austin on waivers a week before he blew up – you are a genius.  Oh shit you are in third place and need Chris Johnson to rush for 125 yards to get into 2nd?  Whoa!  Interesting!  Guess what? NO ONE cares about your fantasy team except you and your opponent, so shut up already.

Also Known As: Fat Former Jocks, Stat Nerd(see above)

That is just a quick snapshot of the internet sports fan world.  Many other type of personalities exist but that is a post for another day.  I will give an honorable mention to those fans who seem like their personal well being depends on the play of their favorite team, and the girls out there who cheer for the cutest team and Google player numbers for pictures in the middle of the game.

The world needs all sorts.

The Man The Myth The Legend



blog comments powered by Disqus